WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

1
00:00.140 --> 00:03.743
<v ->Hello everyone, we are at the Big 10 Championship.</v>

2
00:04.750 --> 00:05.910
<v ->Fuck this.</v>

3
00:05.910 --> 00:07.470
<v ->We're here live, Indianapolis, Indiana.</v>

4
00:07.470 --> 00:09.180
I'm with my boy White Sox Dave.

5
00:09.180 --> 00:10.680 line:15%
Young Mantis right here.

6
00:10.680 --> 00:13.180 line:15%
It's about to be a beat down for the North Western Wildcats.

7
00:13.180 --> 00:14.640 line:15%
The Buckeye will be whipping their ass.

8
00:14.640 --> 00:18.280
<v ->The Wildcats are gonna beat the safety school losers</v>

9
00:18.280 --> 00:20.330
into the fucking ground today.

10
00:20.330 --> 00:25.330 line:15%
<v ->Ohio State, 45 to 21, we're gonna win, I know, Jack knows.</v>

11
00:25.510 --> 00:27.330
They know, Ohio State definitely knows,

12
00:27.330 --> 00:28.920
they know everything evidently.

13
00:28.920 --> 00:30.000
OH, baby.

14
00:30.000 --> 00:31.320 line:15%
<v ->Go UNU.</v>

15
00:31.320 --> 00:34.487
(marching band music)

16
00:35.490 --> 00:37.940
<v ->You see this little asshole kid right here?</v>

17
00:37.940 --> 00:40.490
He think he's about to get signed by the bears.

18
00:40.490 --> 00:42.340
I'm the one who's about to get signed by the bears.

19
00:42.340 --> 00:43.680
I'm gonna run him 4.2.

20
00:43.680 --> 00:44.513
What's the best time today?

21
00:44.513 --> 00:46.110
<v ->4.87.</v>

22
00:46.110 --> 00:48.310
<v ->I just watch that thing and run, right?</v>

23
00:48.310 --> 00:49.204
<v ->Go!</v>

24
00:49.204 --> 00:51.954
(fan fair music)

25
00:55.820 --> 00:57.750
<v ->I slipped at the beginning, it doesn't count!</v>

26
00:57.750 --> 00:59.070
<v ->4.87?</v>

27
00:59.070 --> 01:00.752
That's like two higher than my GPA.

28
01:00.752 --> 01:03.715
My high school 40 was 11.4.

29
01:03.715 --> 01:06.465
(fan fair music)

30
01:07.670 --> 01:10.846
Fuck! Gotta beat nine!

31
01:10.846 --> 01:12.179
Gotta beat nine!

32
01:14.460 --> 01:16.523
No, It didn't count it's still going!

33
01:21.020 --> 01:23.170
23.67 on the baseball slide.

34
01:23.170 --> 01:24.207
I appreciate you.

35
01:28.922 --> 01:31.570
Just throw it, just throw it.

36
01:31.570 --> 01:32.403
Fuck.

37
01:36.510 --> 01:37.343
<v ->Keep running.</v>

38
01:37.343 --> 01:39.031
<v ->I was running, you fucking underthrew it!</v>

39
01:39.031 --> 01:41.410
<v ->No I didn't underthrow it, you keep running.</v>

40
01:41.410 --> 01:42.369
I led you perfectly.

41
01:42.369 --> 01:43.202
<v ->What am I the ball boy for the Titans</v>

42
01:43.202 --> 01:44.150
I'm not that short.

43
01:45.230 --> 01:46.970
<v ->I'm gonna drill Wendy right in her fucking face.</v>

44
01:46.970 --> 01:48.370
Her little ginger face.

45
01:48.370 --> 01:49.203
Look at this kid.

46
01:49.203 --> 01:50.550
He looks like a kicker.

47
01:50.550 --> 01:52.200
He's all gangly and skinny.

48
01:52.200 --> 01:54.354
You couldn't look more like a kicker.

49
01:54.354 --> 01:55.187 line:15%
<v ->I don't kick.</v>

50
01:55.187 --> 01:57.290
<v ->I don't kick, look at me, I'm a fat midget.</v>

51
01:57.290 --> 01:58.290
Yeah we're going it.

52
02:02.270 --> 02:03.880
Bad, bad.

53
02:03.880 --> 02:05.943
Now we got this pencil neck idiot.

54
02:06.800 --> 02:08.310
Oh he drilled it that's fine.

55
02:08.310 --> 02:11.454
He barely hit it over the crossbar though, whatever.

56
02:11.454 --> 02:12.287 line:15%
<v ->You got this right?</v>

57
02:12.287 --> 02:13.140 line:15%
<v ->Oh yeah.</v>

58
02:13.140 --> 02:13.973 line:15%
<v ->Wanna go back a little father?</v>

59
02:13.973 --> 02:14.806
<v ->No, no, no you're good.</v>

60
02:15.759 --> 02:17.759
(sighs)

61
02:19.493 --> 02:21.470 line:15%
(cheering)

62
02:21.470 --> 02:23.893
<v ->It hurt so bad, I hit it right?</v>

63
02:25.849 --> 02:27.300
<v ->Good job
Oh I get a Wendy's gift card.</v>

64
02:27.300 --> 02:28.420
<v ->Thanks Wendy's.</v>

65
02:28.420 --> 02:30.120
That legitimately hurt.

66
02:30.120 --> 02:32.050
Alright back to Austin.

67
02:32.050 --> 02:33.390
(cheering)

68
02:33.390 --> 02:34.708
<v Announcer>People, please get as loud as y'all</v>

69
02:34.708 --> 02:35.541
can one time.

70
02:35.541 --> 02:37.240 line:15%
( dance music)

71
02:37.240 --> 02:38.810
<v Announcer>Go Katy, Go Katy, Go Katy!</v>

72
02:38.810 --> 02:40.101
We gotta discuss who wins.

73
02:40.101 --> 02:41.562
<v ->Whoa whoa I got one.</v>

74
02:41.562 --> 02:42.658
<v ->Got one more.</v>

75
02:42.658 --> 02:43.491
<v ->What's your name?</v>

76
02:43.491 --> 02:44.363
<v ->Austin.</v>

77
02:44.363 --> 02:45.196
<v ->Where you from?</v>

78
02:45.196 --> 02:46.853
<v ->Indiana.</v>

79
02:46.853 --> 02:49.736
<v Announcer>Let's see it Austin What you got?</v>

80
02:49.736 --> 02:50.569
<v ->Austin</v>

81
02:52.069 --> 02:52.902
What?

82
02:52.902 --> 02:54.344
Okay Austin.

83
02:54.344 --> 02:55.723
(dance music)

84
02:55.723 --> 02:56.833
<v Announcer>Hey, Hey, Hey, Okay yup,</v>

85
03:01.191 --> 03:04.032
Oh my goodness!

86
03:04.032 --> 03:04.865
He really cooked it up

87
03:04.865 --> 03:06.099
(crowd cheer)

88
03:06.099 --> 03:07.913
<v Announcer>People Get as loud as you can for Austin</v>

89
03:07.913 --> 03:08.772
one time!

90
03:08.772 --> 03:10.120
(crowd cheers)

91
03:10.120 --> 03:11.037
<v ->Oh my God</v>

92
03:12.617 --> 03:13.480 line:15%
<v ->Do you already got tickets to the game?</v>

93
03:13.480 --> 03:14.443
<v ->No I don't.</v>
<v ->You don't?</v>

94
03:15.410 --> 03:16.699
<v ->I don't, always a fan man</v>

95
03:16.699 --> 03:17.532 line:15%
<v ->Oh My God</v>

96
03:17.532 --> 03:18.365 line:15%
<v ->I know right?</v>

97
03:18.365 --> 03:20.580
<v ->I think we got a tie in first, What do you think?</v>

98
03:20.580 --> 03:21.740
<v ->Absolutely</v>

99
03:21.740 --> 03:22.990
<v Announcer>I say we do a dance off.</v>

100
03:22.990 --> 03:24.233
<v ->Dance off</v>

101
03:24.233 --> 03:25.066 line:15%
<v Crowd Member>I think we already know who won.</v>

102
03:25.066 --> 03:26.216
<v ->Austin, why don't you start us off.</v>

103
03:26.216 --> 03:27.683
You already got the prop cooking it up.

104
03:27.683 --> 03:32.683
<v ->If this kid Austin is going against had any morals,</v>

105
03:32.710 --> 03:34.250
or integrity he would let him win,

106
03:34.250 --> 03:35.990
because Austin's handicapped.

107
03:35.990 --> 03:36.883
<v Dave>Oh shit!</v>

108
03:38.428 --> 03:41.569
(dance music)

109
03:41.569 --> 03:42.960
(crowd cheering)

110
03:42.960 --> 03:43.793
<v Announcer>AJ and I were thinking that</v>

111
03:43.793 --> 03:46.012
might be a little to close to call.

112
03:46.012 --> 03:47.052 line:15%
<v Crowd Member>Oh come on!</v>

113
03:47.052 --> 03:49.797 line:15%
<v Announcer>I think that going to be ticket for you</v>

114
03:49.797 --> 03:52.190 line:15%
and ticket for you that two winners right there.

115
03:52.190 --> 03:53.719 line:15%
Get as loud as y'all possibly can!

116
03:53.719 --> 03:55.515 line:15%
(crowd cheering)

117
03:55.515 --> 03:58.015 line:15%
(dance music)

118
04:00.240 --> 04:02.330
<v ->They couldn't even pick a winner, the pussies.</v>

119
04:02.330 --> 04:04.270
It sounded like you guys let him win

120
04:04.270 --> 04:05.630
because he's handicapped.

121
04:05.630 --> 04:07.217 line:15%
<v ->No I didn't say that, you're a douchebag.</v>

122
04:07.217 --> 04:08.290
(chuckles)

123
04:08.290 --> 04:10.190
<v ->Hey he's my buddy, apparently we're not friends</v>

124
04:10.190 --> 04:11.023
because he says I'm a douchebag.

125
04:11.023 --> 04:11.870
<v ->I got another ticket.</v>

126
04:11.870 --> 04:12.703
<v ->OH!</v>

127
04:12.703 --> 04:15.210
<v ->I just got another ticket, I mean I.</v>

128
04:15.210 --> 04:16.870
<v ->Your using your handicap as a crutch.</v>

129
04:16.870 --> 04:18.700
<v ->I'm using my, I mean you can't say no</v>

130
04:18.700 --> 04:20.710
to a special needs guy who's dancing his ass off.

131
04:20.710 --> 04:22.750 line:15%
<v ->So 1-10 my dance moves?</v>

132
04:22.750 --> 04:23.804 line:15%
Let's hear it I mean.

133
04:23.804 --> 04:24.637 line:15%
<v ->An 11.</v>
<v ->11?</v>

134
04:24.637 --> 04:25.470 line:15%
<v ->Are you kidding me?</v>

135
04:25.470 --> 04:26.650 line:15%
Are you professional?

136
04:26.650 --> 04:27.531 line:15%
<v ->Is water wet?</v>

137
04:27.531 --> 04:28.364 line:15%
<v ->(chuckles)</v>

138
04:28.364 --> 04:29.197 line:15%
yeah.

139
04:29.197 --> 04:30.650 line:15%
<v ->Did you give him the tickets because he won</v>

140
04:30.650 --> 04:32.068
because he's handicapped?

141
04:32.068 --> 04:33.629
<v ->(laughs) because he's the best dancer here.</v>

142
04:33.629 --> 04:34.758
<v ->I mean I don't know.</v>

143
04:34.758 --> 04:37.413
<v ->He uses his handicap to get literally everything so.</v>

144
04:37.413 --> 04:39.850 line:15%
<v ->I'd say cause he's handicapped and he's a great dancer.</v>

145
04:39.850 --> 04:42.019
<v Austin>What do y'all think this guys going to pitch?</v>

146
04:42.019 --> 04:44.139
<v ->Ahh 46 ( thump of ball being thrown)</v>

147
04:44.139 --> 04:45.139
<v ->Oh God 78!</v>

148
04:46.650 --> 04:47.953
Jesus Christ! 79!

149
04:49.518 --> 04:50.351
(grunt)

150
04:50.351 --> 04:51.563
<v ->Oh God, okay 36.</v>

151
04:52.408 --> 04:53.846
That was a warm up.

152
04:53.846 --> 04:55.640 line:15%
( grunt)

153
04:55.640 --> 04:58.943 line:15%
39 even better! Same as the Indiana State fair.

154
04:59.867 --> 05:01.232 line:15%
<v ->There it is.</v>

155
05:01.232 --> 05:02.990
<v ->39 that's right!</v>

156
05:02.990 --> 05:05.020
<v ->I'm the fastest of the day so far.</v>

157
05:05.020 --> 05:07.960
Some other asshole hit 76, yeah I fucking doubled that.

158
05:07.960 --> 05:12.260
We're going to find out if God is predicting Ohio State

159
05:12.260 --> 05:13.530
or North Western to win this big 10

160
05:13.530 --> 05:15.310
championship game today.

161
05:15.310 --> 05:17.270
<v ->Excuse me, who's going to win the football game today?</v>

162
05:17.270 --> 05:18.614
Ohio State or North Western?

163
05:18.614 --> 05:20.580
<v ->I have no idea, Man, no idea.</v>

164
05:20.580 --> 05:22.480
<v ->But wait your God you should know</v>

165
05:22.480 --> 05:24.490
you know all, God knows all!

166
05:24.490 --> 05:25.670
<v ->Oh I'm not God</v>

167
05:25.670 --> 05:26.503
<v ->Well who is?</v>

168
05:26.503 --> 05:27.336
<v ->Jesus Christ.</v>

169
05:27.336 --> 05:28.169
<v ->Jesus Christ?</v>

170
05:28.169 --> 05:29.480
<v ->Jesus Christ.</v>
<v ->Did you talk to Jesus Today?</v>

171
05:29.480 --> 05:30.313
<v ->I did.</v>

172
05:30.313 --> 05:31.730
<v ->Did he say who's going to win the football game?</v>

173
05:31.730 --> 05:32.680
Ohio State or North Western?

174
05:32.680 --> 05:34.380
<v ->I don't think he cares to much about the football game.</v>

175
05:34.380 --> 05:36.100
<v ->He should he's American, right?</v>

176
05:36.100 --> 05:38.687
<v ->He cares about your soul, He cares about your soul.</v>

177
05:38.687 --> 05:41.900
<v ->If North Western loses the football game today</v>

178
05:41.900 --> 05:44.730
he obviously doesn't care about my soul.

179
05:44.730 --> 05:45.860
<v ->That makes no sense, at all.</v>

180
05:45.860 --> 05:47.250
If you died right now, where would you go?

181
05:47.250 --> 05:49.120
Heaven or Hell?

182
05:49.120 --> 05:50.660
<v ->Umm most likely Hell</v>

183
05:50.660 --> 05:52.430
<v ->Does that concern you at all?</v>

184
05:52.430 --> 05:55.452
You think its funny that you would spend eternity in Hell?

185
05:55.452 --> 05:56.285
<v ->This shit would be lit</v>

186
05:56.285 --> 05:58.149
<v ->If you stood before God right now.</v>

187
05:58.149 --> 05:59.966
(gibberish)

188
05:59.966 --> 06:02.920
<v ->If God let you into Heaven what would your answer be.</v>

189
06:02.920 --> 06:04.251
<v ->I would say love to know why you made me</v>

190
06:04.251 --> 06:05.180
you gotta give me some leisure.

191
06:05.180 --> 06:06.924
The only god I stand for erwin god.

192
06:06.924 --> 06:08.034
Have you heard of him?

193
06:08.034 --> 06:08.873
<v Evangelist>No I never heard Of Him.</v>

194
06:08.873 --> 06:11.320
( overlapped talking)

195
06:11.320 --> 06:12.490
<v ->The only way god cares--</v>

196
06:12.490 --> 06:15.140
How does it feel to be responsible to be

197
06:16.200 --> 06:20.110
to have to officially murdered Kobayashi?

198
06:20.110 --> 06:23.170 line:15%
<v ->Dude, I feel kinda bad, I was kind of a dick to him.</v>

199
06:23.170 --> 06:24.330 line:15%
I should've been nicer to him.

200
06:24.330 --> 06:26.120
<v ->It's like World War two, USA.</v>

201
06:26.120 --> 06:28.431 line:15%
<v ->Then I beat him and he never came back.</v>

202
06:28.431 --> 06:29.264 line:15%
<v ->And then he never came back.</v>

203
06:29.264 --> 06:31.154 line:15%
<v ->Then I lost my biggest rival.</v>

204
06:31.154 --> 06:33.468 line:15%
<v ->I watch the ESPY's every year, the ESPY awards</v>

205
06:33.468 --> 06:34.896 line:15%
you're not nominated ever.

206
06:34.896 --> 06:36.248 line:15%
<v ->Yeah, ain't that some bullshit.</v>

207
06:36.248 --> 06:40.494
<v ->43 world record for San Jose.</v>

208
06:40.494 --> 06:44.820
<v ->Yeah! (crowd cheers)</v>

209
06:44.820 --> 06:47.569
<v ->USA! USA!</v>

210
06:47.569 --> 06:49.652
<v ->Tow, one Lets go!</v>

211
06:49.652 --> 06:50.485
(hype music)

212
06:50.485 --> 06:53.180
(crowd cheering)

213
06:53.180 --> 06:56.790
<v Dave>And he is just rightfully through the competition.</v>

214
06:56.790 --> 06:59.143
<v ->Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey.</v>

215
07:00.698 --> 07:02.423 line:15%
(crowd cheering)

216
07:02.423 --> 07:03.950 line:15%
<v ->The best 8 minutes of my life.</v>

217
07:03.950 --> 07:05.510 line:15%
<v ->Better than sex!</v>

218
07:05.510 --> 07:06.640 line:15%
<v ->What?</v>
<v ->What?</v>

219
07:06.640 --> 07:11.640
<v Announcer>With 18 pounds 9.6 ounces Joey Chestnut.</v>

220
07:13.008 --> 07:14.670
(crowd cheers)

221
07:14.670 --> 07:16.307
<v Dave>How do you feel about your victory?</v>

222
07:16.307 --> 07:19.610
<v ->Good I feel pretty good, that guy was fucking pushing me.</v>

223
07:19.610 --> 07:21.500
But not everyone know the rules.

224
07:21.500 --> 07:23.074
<v ->Joey, can I have your game award jersey?</v>

225
07:23.074 --> 07:23.907
<v ->What's this?</v>

226
07:23.907 --> 07:25.560
<v ->can I have your game award jersey?</v>

227
07:25.560 --> 07:27.276
<v ->It's up there some where.</v>

228
07:27.276 --> 07:28.520
<v ->Can I wear it?</v>
<v ->I don't know.</v>

229
07:28.520 --> 07:30.760
<v ->He's handicapped so you own it to him.</v>

230
07:30.760 --> 07:32.550
<v ->You want me to go grab it?</v>
<v ->Yeah,</v>

231
07:32.550 --> 07:33.944
<v ->Here you can have it brother.</v>

232
07:33.944 --> 07:35.525 line:15%
<v ->This is worth more that a Kobe Bryant jersey.</v>

233
07:35.525 --> 07:37.442
<v ->Bad it smells so bad.</v>

234
07:38.350 --> 07:39.870 line:15%
<v ->I got two tickets to the game today.</v>

235
07:39.870 --> 07:42.080 line:15%
I won Joey Chestnut's game worn jersey.

236
07:42.080 --> 07:43.100 line:15%
It's been the best day of my life.

237
07:43.100 --> 07:45.097 line:15%
Do you wanna go on a date with me to the game tonight?

238
07:45.097 --> 07:46.270 line:15%
<v ->I'm actually going to be there!</v>

239
07:46.270 --> 07:47.329
<v ->So no?</v>

240
07:47.329 --> 07:49.012 line:15%
<v ->Well, I'm going to be at the game so</v>

241
07:49.012 --> 07:49.980 line:15%
otherwise I would have gone.

242
07:49.980 --> 07:50.813
<v ->You wanna go?</v>

243
07:53.470 --> 07:55.240
<v ->He literally uses his handicap</v>

244
07:55.240 --> 07:56.540
to get access to everything.

245
07:56.540 --> 07:57.373 line:15%
<v ->That's Amazing.</v>

246
07:57.373 --> 07:58.206
<v ->And he like laughs about it,</v>

247
07:58.206 --> 07:59.190
he's like oh I'm going to Hell.

248
07:59.190 --> 08:02.450 line:15%
<v ->For sure yeah, so he like embraces it so I can make fun</v>

249
08:02.450 --> 08:03.283
of it I think.

250
08:03.283 --> 08:04.570 line:15%
<v ->Yeah, sure, that makes sense.</v>