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<v ->It's a podcast, how much money does it make?</v>

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I mean, come on.

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<v ->We're making a ton of cash.</v>

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Look, you make a phenomenal steak,

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but everything else is a disaster, every other decision.

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<v ->What about the thing we did with the podcast, though?</v>

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With the horns?

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Come on, I think people liked the horns.

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<v ->Nobody's gonna like the horns.</v>

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Do you think people are gonna be walking around

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with horns on because we wore them once on a podcast?

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They're not.

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<v ->The funny part was that I was talking</v>

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about the actual horns, like the honking of the horns.

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So, that means you don't even like

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the actual part where we wear horns.

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<v ->No, I didn't like that either.</v>

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I just went along with it.

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<v ->Maybe cause you have never liked the horn.</v>

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<v ->I'm not a big fan of the horn</v>

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<v ->Your mother cheated with a guy who played horn in a band.</v>

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That's probably why you don't like horns.

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<v ->That's true, but she fucked the trumpet player too, so.</v>

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<v ->How do you like the asparagus, though?</v>

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<v ->It's amazing.</v>

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(upbeat music)

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<v ->Welcome to another episode of $20 Chef.</v>

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I got another special guest, my man Jim Florentine.

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Thanks for coming on the show.

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<v ->What's going on, man?</v>

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<v ->Obviously, I've been a big fan of your work</v>

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for a long time. Stand-ups hilarious, you know,

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obviously your prank call albums

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before "Crank Yankers" and in "Crank Yankers"

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and that was so good, they brought it back.

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<v ->Out of the blue, there wasn't even rumors</v>

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that it was coming back.

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My friend told me. He's like, "dude congratulations"

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I go, "on what?" He goes, " what, Crank Yankers is back"

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I go, "what are you talking about?" He goes, "Yeah"

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And he pulled up like Hollywood Reporter "look right here"

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I'm like holy shit.

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<v ->Obviously, it's on tonight 10:30/9:30 central.</v>

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You're a busy guy. Your a family guy, you got working

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with Crank Yankers right now, you're also on tour

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"Kreeps with Kids" which I love the title.

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Just hanging out dude staying up with your buddies

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<v ->Yeah, fucking great man. To work with your friends</v>

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after all these years. 'Cause usually you know as a comic,

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you go in a clubs a lot of times you don't even know

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the opening guys, the local guys you know don't even,

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you can't hang out with anybody, you stuck in a hotel room

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for three straight days just jerkin' off.

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<v ->Yeah</v>

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<v ->And it gets, it gets tiring after a while.</v>

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<v ->Finally gotta go fucking see if the Chinese place</v>

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is of walking distance.

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<v ->They always think I'm a cop</v>

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<v ->You got an undercover vibe, man.</v>

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<v ->Yeah I'm a white Irish man</v>

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they come up like "Are you a cop?"

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I go "no I'm not a cop,

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I'm just trying to get jerked off here.

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What's the problem?"

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<v ->(laughing)</v>

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<v ->You know what I mean, I'm really not</v>

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even if I was, so what, I wouldn't say anything.

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<v ->All right, well listen you're on everything</v>

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you're on movies, TV, stand up, you're just in the streets

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and I like, there's always something about a scene

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with a guy in a movie where he's just eating a steak

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and talking, you know

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there's always something so powerful

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I don't know what it is

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so I thought we would just maybe try it today

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so I got a couple of fat-ass rib, boneless, rib-eyes here

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and then we're just gonna do a little bit of

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we're gonna roast some potatoes

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with some asparagus, little thyme, little rosemary

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and that's what we're gonna do

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<v ->Yeah man</v>

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<v ->You cook a lot at home?</v>

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<v ->No, not really</v>

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<v ->All right well let me get-</v>

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<v ->You know, I had this one company that would deliver food</v>

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and they would separate it, you know

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so you just had to put it together

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I'm like, forty minutes? Fuck this.

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But I started though, because I got a grill

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I got a grill on my deck, you know

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I was married for a while, then she would just cook

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so I'm like perfect, and then when I threw her out

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I'm like fuck, I'm hungry now

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now what do I do?

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<v ->Well here's what we're gonna do</v>

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first I always like to get the pan going

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with a little bit of onion and garlic

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a little shallot in here, not much

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just to give it a little bit more flavor in my skillet

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you know?

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So let's see your cutting skills over there

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<v ->My, they're not great</v>

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I'm always nervous I'm gonna cut my hand

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<v ->Yeah</v>

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<v ->You know, cut a finger off</v>

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<v ->So you always, I always keep this part on the wood</v>

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so you come under there, it never moves

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<v ->I mean you got five fingers so I'll listen to you</v>

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you know, you always look at that to see

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if the guy is missing a, you know, missing a thumb

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like, I'm not gonna take his suggestion over it

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<v ->All right, that'll work</v>

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I'm gonna take your garlic over here

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we'll put it all in a pile

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just for now

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we're gonna cut up some of those potatoes

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and there's asparagus. I already washed it

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cut these in angles

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<v ->Why in angles?</v>

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<v ->I don't know it just looks cooler</v>

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<v ->All right, I'll buy it</v>

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so did you always know, even when you were younger

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you would cook around the house

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<v ->No, I didn't cook shit really until</v>

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I mean I made sandwiches here and there

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<v ->I had no idea, I grew up in a family of seven</v>

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and mom cooked every night so, I never cooked

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I remember the first time I was on my own

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I wanted to cook a hamburger

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I had some chopped meant in the refrigerator

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I cooked it in a pot

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<v ->(laughter) sounds about right</v>

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<v ->And I was trying to figure out why</v>

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I couldn't get the spatula in there

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I'm like " why is this so difficult?"

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like " how did my mom do this, cook for seven?"

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<v ->I actually was on the road a lot</v>

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and then I was a roommate with another comedian

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Martin Moreno, they cooked a lot

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and then we just started cooking

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because we didn't want to go out and do shit

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after we got home

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and then I just stared really liking it a lot

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and then I started having dates

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and had no money to go out, so then like

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oh well, you mind if I make dinner for you at my house?

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<v ->When you can cook a home cooked meal for a girl</v>

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panties get wet

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<v ->That's the only reason why I have a girl</v>

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that actually loves me now.

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All right, so I'm just gonna hit these potatoes

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with some salt and pepper and olive oil

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they look good and coated

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all right, so I'm just gonna sprinkle these out

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and then we'll throw some of this thyme

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we got the rosemary over there

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<v ->I feel like you got this from a Christmas tree</v>

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to cut corners

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<v ->It definitely could be</v>

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<v ->Or I have</v>

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<v ->All right, So we're gonna put this in for twenty minutes</v>

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at four twenty five

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and then we'll add the asparagus at that point

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<v ->So now you don't season the steaks at all,</v>

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besides just a little salt and pepper, and that's it?

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<v ->No you can, I mean depends on what you like</v>

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so, always salt and pepper

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I've worked at a couple of restaurants

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that were pretty decent and people were there

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packed their teeth with food there everyday

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and no one knows no secret

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is olive oil, salt, and pepper

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I do like this stuff, this is really good

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no free ads but you know, just this little rub

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<v ->You cut them in half to get them cooked</v>

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<v ->No you never never want to bust the steak open</v>

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<v ->No because you want all the juices to stay in</v>

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<v ->Yeah, because the main thing is</v>

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the importance is the sear,

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we gotta get a good clean sear on each side

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<v ->Yeah that was a rookie mistake I used to always make</v>

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when I was cooking a hamburger I always figured

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I always pressed down on it to just get it to cook quicker

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<v ->Yeah it's a pretty common fuck up</v>

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<v ->Then I realized all the juices are frying</v>

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it's gonna be completely dry

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<v ->So tell me, how awesome was obviously</v>

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you're a middle kid growing up

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<v ->Yeah</v>

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<v ->Then you end up with a metal show</v>

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<v ->Yeah a show on VH1 Classic called " That Metal Show"</v>

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it was basically like the Tonight show for ACDC fans

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for like hard rock fans

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<v ->And you still have a show</v>

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on Ozzy's Boneyard channels series right?

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<v ->Yeah, I do radio</v>

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<v ->How fun is that?</v>

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<v ->That's great too.</v>

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<v ->Is that the most fun?</v>

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<v ->Yeah 'cause I do a two hour show</v>

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and I get to pick the songs I want to play

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you know what I mean? I don't play any of the hits

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So I just play like deep tracks all the stuff

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and I do like a two hour show

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and I just talk in between songs

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<v ->Yeah in between, you just introduce a song</v>

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start talking about the song

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<v ->And you know what's great about them,</v>

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they said, listen, but you can plug whatever you want

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on this show and it doesn't matter

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you know what I mean?

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<v ->Plus you got more metal heads coming out</v>

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those are the people

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<v ->Oh yeah,</v>

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I always know like those guys that know That Metal Show

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because they'll come to the comedy club

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and there's four guys in Iron Maiden shirts

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they sit right in the front

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<v ->That sounds awesome</v>

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<v ->And they just want me to talk about metal</v>

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the whole time in my act

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meanwhile the rest of the club

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doesn't know anything about Iron Maiden

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and they're like "When are you going to talk about maiden?"

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and I go "I'm not"

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I can't appeal to you four people

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and they always come by themselves

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metal heads are loners

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because if you're into that music

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it's not that appealing

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I knew that in high school I was a metal head

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and I used to go to the parties

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uh you know Metallica is fighting

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and some girl would be like

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"get the fuck away from me, you weirdo"

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<v ->All right, so it's been about ten minutes</v>

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I'm just gonna, you know make sure they're not sticking

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and shit

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we got some good color here, you know

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chicks love color

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<v ->I'm a pale white guy, I know</v>

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they like color

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<v ->The next five minutes we pull our potatoes out</v>

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we're gonna drop this in there with the potatoes

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put them back in there, let it all cook together

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<v ->Wait, what cooks with the potatoes?</v>

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<v ->Yeah</v>

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all right, we'll go ahead and get this fired up

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how do you usually order your meat?

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<v ->Medium, medium well</v>

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<v ->We can't go higher than medium at my house</v>

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it's against my lease

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so we go any higher than a medium on a steak here,

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they kick me out

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all right, just a little bit of garlic

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little bit of shallots

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I'm gonna get some butter also,

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we gotta put some butter in that pan

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butter is steaks best friend

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little of this rosemary too

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and a little bit more of this thyme, there we go

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<v ->Now how much difference in a taste can you get</v>

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from a steak cooking it on a grill in to a frying pan?

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Is it that big of a difference?

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<v ->I would say so, 'cause you're gonna get that open flame</v>

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you know, from the charcoal, whatever

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depending on what you're using

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if it's wood chips or charcoal

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but you know, I always do with a nice iron skillet

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all these flavors, it's gonna work together nicely

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so we're not gonna touch these for a while

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we wanna get a good nice sear on these buddies

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<v ->How many times do you recommend flipping a steak?</v>

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Like that?

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<v ->Once</v>

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<v ->Just once?</v>

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<v ->Yeah, you don't want to play with it too much</v>

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you want it to do it's thing, let the process happen

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<v ->Right, it's good to know</v>

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<v ->I'm gonna pull these potatoes out and add the asparagus</v>

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<v ->So you got about five more minuets of this</v>

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<v ->I say ten</v>

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<v ->Ten, so the asparagus is gonna cook for ten</v>

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instead of the usual twenty

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<v ->You you know what else I'm gonna do</v>

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throw some Parmesan cheese on that shit

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here we go, back in

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all right, so obviously you're excited about Crank Yankers

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a few weeks ago we were on the radio together

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and you were telling us about

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you got yourself into some shit

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you had to go to court

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08:06.517 --> 08:08.000
<v ->Well yeah, and it wasn't even a prank call</v>

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it was an incoming call where a telemarketer was calling

295
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I basically would sit at home and wait for telemarketers

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to call and mess with them

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so this woman called for I don't know, whatever

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she had my address right in front of me, all my information

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my friend was over, my girlfriend at the time

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let's pretend in the background

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08:23.470 --> 08:26.540
my friend was giving my girlfriend a home abortion

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I had a vacuum running and everything

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08:29.050 --> 08:31.540
so the woman calls and all of a sudden

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she hears screaming in the background she hears a vacuum,

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she says "what's going on?" I'm like

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08:35.067 --> 08:37.380
"My friend is just giving my girlfriend a home abortion"

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I go " it's no big deal"

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and she's like " what?!"

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I go " yeah yeah, I'm just trying to save a few bucks"

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"He said he knows what he's doing,

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08:43.530 --> 08:44.520
so just keep going"

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she said " keep going?!"

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" yeah just don't worry about it"

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so she's trying to pitch whatever she's pitching

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you hear screaming " Ow! Ow!" Vacuum, all that stuff

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she was so horrified, she hangs up the phone.

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We start laughing. So she called the cops in my town

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the local cops and said, I guess,

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and the cops came to my house

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like three cop cars and an ambulance showed up

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and I went out there to go get coffee after that

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so I left, there was nobody in the house

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so I come back twenty minutes later, whatever

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my door is busted in

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and all my neighbors are out front

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I'm like " what happened here?"

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they go "oh the cops are here, they were looking for you"

328
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<v ->Oh my god</v>

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<v ->So I just said, you know</v>

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I'll go down to the police station

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it's just down the street and tell them

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hey man it was just a joke

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09:19.990 --> 09:21.700
so I went in there and the cops like " what's wrong?"

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I'm like, yeah look it was just a joke

335
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you know I was doing a prank call

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they're like " you think that was funny?"

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and they go, that woman so horrified

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she left work today early

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I go, look at the bright side I gave her a half day at work

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you know I'm trying to be funny

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and they go "just fill this police report out,

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just say you are sorry for what you did"

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I filled it out next thing I know

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I gotta go to court,

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I got a disorderly conduct and face six months in jail

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<v ->Oh my god!</v>

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<v ->And I'm in the court room, and I was like the first case</v>

348
09:46.920 --> 09:49.800
it was packed, and I was on Crank Yankers at the time

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09:49.800 --> 09:51.320
you did a call where you pretended you

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09:51.320 --> 09:52.860
were giving your girlfriend a home abortion

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09:52.860 --> 09:55.120
and you think that's funny? And you're on comedy central

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is this what passes off as comedy?

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And I'm sitting there bitting my lip

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09:58.100 --> 10:01.000
oh my god, I don't know what I was thinking

355
10:01.000 --> 10:02.220
you know I wanted to laugh at his face

356
10:02.220 --> 10:03.290
I'm like yeah it was hilarious

357
10:03.290 --> 10:05.500
so I got like a thousand dollar fine

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10:05.500 --> 10:06.880
and probation, whatever

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10:06.880 --> 10:08.950
but I remember walking through the court room

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10:08.950 --> 10:10.560
out of the court room, I was like the first one,

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it was packed. And people were just like hissing at me

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and booing

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10:13.670 --> 10:15.250
you know I was just gonna go, look I'm not O.J.

364
10:15.250 --> 10:16.760
I didn't pull an O.J.

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10:16.760 --> 10:18.950
See also, here's what I do, I do a little finger test

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10:18.950 --> 10:19.783
so that's like well done

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10:19.783 --> 10:21.920
<v ->I did the finger test last night</v>

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10:21.920 --> 10:25.000
<v ->So the softer, is going to be the least it's cooked</v>

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10:25.000 --> 10:26.260
well done, is gonna be like that

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10:26.260 --> 10:27.849
like on your own hand

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10:27.849 --> 10:30.180
so, we're probably still medium rare here right now

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10:30.180 --> 10:31.480
I'm gonna go ahead and throw these in the oven

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for five minutes

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10:32.610 --> 10:33.443
<v ->So you pout that,</v>

375
10:33.443 --> 10:34.816
put the steaks in there for another couple minutes

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10:34.816 --> 10:35.967
<v ->Couple of minutes</v>

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10:35.967 --> 10:36.800
then I think we should be good

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in the mean time we put this little potato

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asparagus, rosemary situation right into our plate

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we've roasted our steaks a little bit

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10:42.960 --> 10:43.970
let's pull these out

382
10:43.970 --> 10:47.227
hopefully we have a nice little medium rare here

383
10:47.227 --> 10:48.150
and that's it, that's all you need

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10:48.150 --> 10:50.830
little bit of vegetables, potato, boneless rib-eye

385
10:50.830 --> 10:53.290
you're at home you do that, no you're not done yet

386
10:53.290 --> 10:55.100
just that's it, it'll give us a bit more color

387
10:55.100 --> 10:56.660
some fresh green color

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10:56.660 --> 10:58.903
you don't want to be threatened by a guy eating steak

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10:58.903 --> 10:59.736
<v ->No</v>

390
10:59.736 --> 11:00.569
<v ->Cause it seems even more like</v>

391
11:00.569 --> 11:01.730
this guy could be eating you alive right now

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11:01.730 --> 11:02.750
it's almost symbolism

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11:02.750 --> 11:03.920
<v ->Right, yeah yeah</v>

394
11:03.920 --> 11:06.600
So you saw a guy in an airport,

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11:06.600 --> 11:08.140
you stare at him for an hour and you thought

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11:08.140 --> 11:10.620
he'd be a good guy to get in the horn business with

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11:10.620 --> 11:11.670
<v ->Exactly</v>

398
11:11.670 --> 11:12.940
see the thing is, you don't get it

399
11:12.940 --> 11:14.640
about the horns is that you don' have a lazy eye

400
11:14.640 --> 11:15.880
I'm looking at you with my good eye

401
11:15.880 --> 11:18.440
but this eye is at the camera, so they don't know

402
11:18.440 --> 11:19.273
you don't understand that

403
11:19.273 --> 11:20.377
you have two nice eyes

404
11:20.377 --> 11:21.760
<v ->No I don't understand that because I don't have a lazy eye</v>

405
11:21.760 --> 11:23.680
but I do understand that nobody

406
11:23.680 --> 11:25.370
is going to be interested in the horns

407
11:25.370 --> 11:26.800
so what did he say when you came up to him

408
11:26.800 --> 11:29.060
and said "hey man, would you be interested in this project?"

409
11:29.060 --> 11:30.840
<v ->Well I asked him what was in his case</v>

410
11:30.840 --> 11:32.300
he said "a horn" and then it went from there

411
11:32.300 --> 11:34.580
<v ->What if it was a trumpet in that bag?</v>

412
11:34.580 --> 11:35.413
<v ->I wouldn't have brought him around</v>

413
11:35.413 --> 11:37.080
because your mom cheated with a trump player.

414
11:37.080 --> 11:39.470
I want those cheeks around you to throw you off

415
11:39.470 --> 11:41.400
<v ->She cheated with he horn guy too</v>

416
11:41.400 --> 11:43.184
<v ->Oh wow, your mom was partying</v>

417
11:43.184 --> 11:44.017
All you need to know,

418
11:44.017 --> 11:46.190
is that every Wednesday comedy central

419
11:46.190 --> 11:48.470
Crank Yankers, my man Jim Florentine will be there

420
11:48.470 --> 11:50.007
that's this episode of twenty dollar chef

421
11:50.007 --> 11:51.107
see you guys next time

422
11:53.124 --> 11:55.624
(music fades)