WEBVTT
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<v ->I'm glad you showed up, obviously.</v>

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<v ->I don't think, oh, by the way, this was scripted.</v>

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Tex is...

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When you start talking this fast, I know for a fact

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that you've been planning this all weekend.

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You don't speak this quickly.

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<v ->This was the best weekend of my life.</v>

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(Big Cat laughs)

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<v ->Alright, I'm happy you got a win.</v>

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<v ->Dude.</v>

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<v ->Come on.</v>

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You can't?

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Ooh!

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Tex.

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(laughs)
<v ->Oh.</v>

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(staff chattering)

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Good one.

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(Big Cat laughs)

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Fucking airbender bitch.

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(coworkers laugh)

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<v ->You're literally having a fight with vape smoke.</v>

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<v ->Dude.</v>

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(Big Cat laughs)

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Alright.

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I'll let diabetes get your ass.

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(coworkers laugh)

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(light, upbeat music)

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<v ->Stool Scenes Eight.</v>

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Weird week, started of very slow,

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Noodle Dave carried over to everybody,

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it was kinda quiet, and then it ended

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with a bolt of electricity.

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We start off with a little bit of controversy

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over our intramural basketball team.

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Coach didn't like what was being said, decided to resign.

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<v ->I actually am a little better</v>

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than I thought I was gonna be at this point,

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I was so tired I didn't wanna come in,

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but I'm just addicted to the grind.

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You don't have those birthday parties

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unless you're here the next day.

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(electricity crackles)

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(staff chuckle)

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<v Frankie>I mean...</v>

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<v Ebony>You're supposed to hold them like that, right?</v>

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Not like how you do.

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<v ->Well, yeah, just do a little--</v>

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<v ->I'd like that on record, Ebony just called me</v>

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Brad Pitt's lookalike.

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<v ->Nate's "stepping down" as the head coach</v>

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of our basketball team, before the games even start.

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<v ->'Cause before the season started--</v>

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<v ->I said we knew who you were, so we're not gonna punch you,</v>

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but other people--

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(staff member speaks away from mic)

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<v ->But what did he say?</v>

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I want a direct quote of what I said

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that makes you step down from the basketball team.

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<v ->You kept calling him a gremlin.</v>

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<v ->No, I said--</v>

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<v ->(laughs) I forgot about that.</v>

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<v ->I said Coach Gremlin, I apologize.</v>

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20 times.

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<v Smitty>Nah, it was only twice.</v>

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<v ->The annoying thing is he does it on the radio</v>

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or on camera, then he's perfectly fine

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when the camera and radio is off.

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Just be normal, don't be a fake.

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<v ->I'm not playing with a fake.</v>

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<v ->I'm not coaching a fake.</v>

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I'm not coaching a fake.

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<v ->You know what? No, I don't want fakes, you're out.</v>

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(cameraman laughs)

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<v ->What do we have to do to get you</v>

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to step up again as coach?

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<v ->He has to leave the team.</v>

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<v ->So it's Smitty or Nate?</v>
<v ->Wow.</v>

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Ultimatum.

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He got the job 12 hours ago, then he stepped out

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after this morning's show.

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<v ->I don't wanna deal with Smitty.</v>

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It's just I don't wanna waste my free time

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dealing with Smitty.

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<v ->So, to recap, the guy who put this together</v>

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and is actually trying to create content

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and brought you aboard, you don't want him on the team?

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<v ->Correct.</v>

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<v ->Correct, correct.</v>

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<v ->You've got Steve Jobs, basically.</v>

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(cameraman laughs)

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<v ->I don't wanna say the biggest thing you would do</v>

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for the team is for you to step down,

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but it's kinda looking that way.

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You'd be the ultimate team player if you stepped down

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so we could have Nate as coach.

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<v ->Nate, do you think Michael Jordan said nice things</v>

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about Phil Jackson?

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I don't like that analogy, not Michael Jordan.

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Do you think Kobe Bryant said nice things

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about Phil Jackson?

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Not a lot of chemistry right now, but these are things

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that you gotta cultivate during trainning camp.

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<v ->He lost the locker room.</v>

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Uh-huh.

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Yeah, I can see that.

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<v ->I hate to tell you what to do, Nate,</v>

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but if you--
<v ->Do you?</v>

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<v ->No, actually, no, I don't, 'cause you're lost</v>

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half the time, but what you really should do

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is you should just run a practice

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and do it Hoosiers, no basketball.

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<v ->That's literally what I--</v>

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<v ->Ball can't hit the ground, just pass the ball.</v>

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Don't let anyone shoot.

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<v ->We were just running wind sprints.</v>

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<v ->Yeah, so why don't you do that?</v>

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<v ->Because I'm not the coach anymore.</v>

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<v ->So, Smitty has two choices: he listens to me</v>

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and wins games; he doesn't listen, he loses games.

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So, if he's a good player, teammate, friend, he'll listen.

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This is all on Smitty.

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<v Smitty>I apologize, Nate,</v>

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I'll be a good player and teammate.

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<v ->There we go, we're back.
(claps hands)</v>

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<v ->That was it?</v>
<v ->We're back.</v>

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<v ->Wow.</v>
<v ->He realized he was wrong.</v>

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<v ->I walk over and the problem's solved.</v>

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<v ->These are my boys.</v>

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Matt Mitrione from Bellator, he's about to knock out Fedor,

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drops by, he was like, "I'm gonna get some pointers

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"from Octagon Bob."

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I know some inside info, we turned the camera off

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when I gave him that.

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<v ->That's a crowd.</v>

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That's real.

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<v ->Oh yeah, 3,000.</v>

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<v ->Does it give you any flashbacks to hear it?</v>

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(man talking through computer)

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You jumped into it, you telegraphed it

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'cause your whole body jumped into it.

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If you were more patient with it and used a jab,

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actually, your straight right wasn't that bad.

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<v ->Maybe you'll get Matt to coach you this year.</v>

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<v ->You see, I'll take criticism from you.</v>

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It's just all these overweight bloggers

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who think they're fucking Floyd Mayweather.

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<v ->Who's your corner man?</v>

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<v ->It was just provided.</v>

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<v ->Me, myself, and I.</v>

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<v ->Yeah?</v>

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You're here, right?

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And you're hopping like this here.

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Let your shoulders roll, so when you lean in and out

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and change your angles, so your hands can roll

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with your body.

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<v Cameraman>Chris Benedict ain't doing that.</v>

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I'll tell you that.

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<v ->Thanks, man, I appreciate that.</v>

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<v ->No problem.</v>

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I hope you didn't mind that tutorial.

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<v ->Oh, no, dude.</v>

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<v ->There's your pen.</v>

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<v ->You actually are a professional,</v>

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but these motherfuckers sit up on a laptop all day,

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and they're like, "Oh, dude, you gotta jab."

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<v ->This week, we had a very special visitor,</v>

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a visitor from the Far East, from the Orient,

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and boy, it was a beautiful sight.

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<v ->Asa Akira, I guess, is the only Asian we have</v>

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working here, and she's not even in the office,

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so yeah, it is a little weird having no Asians

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in the entire room.

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I've just been told it's fine to smoke in the office.

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That's the main thing I was worried about,

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'cause in China, you gotta...

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You're allowed to smoke inside, wherever you go,

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so I was a little worried they wouldn't be understanding

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of my culture, but I think they're fine with it.

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In China, I had a cleaning lady,

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'cause they're like $5 an hour for a cleaning lady,

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and you share that with your roommates,

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so that's split three ways, very affordable,

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but she's a great woman, she's been in a few of my videos,

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and I was thinking about bringing her on as my intern.

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I'll still pay her the same rate I was paying her

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when she was my cleaning lady,

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but she won't have to clean anymore,

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she'll just have to make videos with me,

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maybe manage my Chinese social media.

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<v ->Was it the planes taking off?</v>

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<v ->Francis.</v>

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<v ->Yo, I asked for ginseng,</v>

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I popped a Chinese Viagra, I almost threw up,

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'cause it was disgusting, and no one's interested,

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I'm just talking.

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(cameraman laughs)

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<v ->What was up with the planes taking off?</v>

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<v ->Oh.</v>

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In China, when you want a happy ending to your massage,

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you say, "I want you to hit my airplane,"

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that's how they translate it.

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Handjob is have your airplane hit.

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So, all day, we were getting massages in chinatown

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and footrubs and thngs like that,

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and everywhere we went, I was like--

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<v ->Stuff you don't like to do.
(staff laughs)</v>

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<v ->Yeah, I was like--</v>

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<v ->You think he likes fucking getting massages all day, bro?</v>

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<v ->"Hey, my airplane is ready."</v>

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<v ->Well, I said, "Hi, Bob;" he thinks I give him a bad face.</v>

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<v ->Every time he walks past me.</v>

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(staff chattering)

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Smitty literally walked past me and he was like...

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(staff member laughs)

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<v ->Like, "You don't know who I am."</v>

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<v ->That's just a harder thing to say,</v>

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like, "You don't know who I am."

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(cameraman laughs)

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<v ->I said, "If you don't know who I am, that would be--"</v>

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<v Cameraman>Smitty, you're about three seconds away</v>

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from a challenge right now.

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<v ->I don't wanna do it.</v>

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Don't like doing it to coworkers.

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<v Cameraman>Don't do it, Bob.</v>

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<v ->I'm not gonna do it.</v>
<v ->Have mercy on him.</v>

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<v ->You know what?</v>

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I might just challenge your father.

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<v ->That's fine.</v>
<v ->No way.</v>

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<v ->Be a rude thing to do.</v>

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<v Cameraman>Bob, don't do it, man.</v>

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He didn't deserve it.

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He didn't mean to.

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He'll have more caution when he walks around you

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from now on, and that's it.

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<v ->I will just say, when two people are walking together,</v>

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there's an amicable split to where you side.

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<v ->Yeah, Bob 100, you zero.</v>

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<v ->You just chest out and stand there.</v>

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<v Bob>I don't chest out, you walked right into me.</v>

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<v ->I didn't walk right at you--</v>

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<v ->Why didn't you move?</v>

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<v Smitty>You just--</v>

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<v ->Smitty expects to walk past and everyone is like,</v>

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(laughs) "Oh, sorry, sir."

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Jesus.

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Jesus, these young kids.

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They don't know anything about respect.

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<v ->You're not wrong.</v>

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(cameraman laughs) He has been taking shit for weeks,

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he needs to be put in his place a little bit.

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<v ->A little bit?</v>
<v ->Yeah.</v>

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<v ->You hear that, Gaz?</v>

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<v ->He's missing Drive Time, he's not coming on the calls,</v>

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he's making excuses.

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<v ->He's got a big podcast he's on, maybe that's why.</v>

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a wrestler, he's going to Wrestlemania.

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<v ->He's got balls.</v>

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<v ->And then, outta nowhere, we get some sort of newsflash,</v>

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there's a cervix killer on the loose.

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Weird shit, man.

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<v ->Nice to meet you.</v>
<v ->Nice to meet you, dude.</v>

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<v ->guy couldn't be more of a bro.</v>

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(staff laughs)

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<v ->Bro Eli.</v>

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(staff chattering)

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<v ->Is that thing real?</v>

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<v Cameraman>Yes.</v>

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<v ->What do you do about that?</v>

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<v ->He got fired.</v>

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<v ->Get him outta here?</v>

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<v ->He fired him.</v>

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<v ->He did already?</v>

273
10:07.319 --> 10:10.819
( speaking away from mic)

274
10:13.840 --> 10:16.980
<v ->I wouldn't even talk to this kid, that's bananas.</v>

275
10:16.980 --> 10:20.490
<v ->Just 20 in a row, no responses from her.</v>

276
10:20.490 --> 10:23.312
<v ->Yo, Cervix Killer has to be fired, no brainer.</v>

277
10:23.312 --> 10:24.970
One of the easiest, I mean,

278
10:24.970 --> 10:26.380
it's one of the easiest no-brainer firings

279
10:26.380 --> 10:27.790
in the history of mankind.

280
10:27.790 --> 10:29.530
<v Cameraman>What's the most DMs you've ever sent</v>

281
10:29.530 --> 10:31.749
to somebody without them answering?

282
10:31.749 --> 10:34.512
<v ->I feel like I sent Hammy in the past two weeks (laughs)</v>

283
10:34.512 --> 10:39.040
like 1,000, but that's extenuating circumstances.

284
10:39.040 --> 10:40.780
I fucking hate you, I fucking hate you,

285
10:40.780 --> 10:42.640
like, I fucking hate you.

286
10:42.640 --> 10:45.770
<v ->He said I know those Ria DMs look really bad,</v>

287
10:45.770 --> 10:49.060
and they are, but all those messages were made that way

288
10:49.060 --> 10:50.980
on purpose for content.

289
10:50.980 --> 10:52.950 line:15%
<v ->That's a trick of the trade I've been doing</v>

290
10:52.950 --> 10:54.530 line:15%
for a long time.

291
10:54.530 --> 10:57.180 line:15%
That's when you say something mildly stupid

292
10:57.180 --> 10:59.570
or you cross a line that you probably shouldn't have.

293
10:59.570 --> 11:01.320
When you're talking about you're the cervix killer

294
11:01.320 --> 11:03.827
and, "Goodnight, my sweet," and, "I'll be thinking of you

295
11:03.827 --> 11:05.303
"'cause I'm a gentle lover--"

296
11:05.303 --> 11:07.010
<v ->He said, "Just an FYI, I'm a gentle lover."</v>

297
11:07.010 --> 11:08.230
<v ->Yeah, well, you know what?</v>

298
11:08.230 --> 11:10.310
That content stinks too, that's weird content.

299
11:10.310 --> 11:12.240
We don't want that either way, so you're a liar,

300
11:12.240 --> 11:14.960
but even if you were doing it for content, you still stink.

301
11:14.960 --> 11:18.020
<v ->Everyone who's is them getting blocked</v>

302
11:18.020 --> 11:21.603
from some account, those people were at 0%.

303
11:22.970 --> 11:24.400
That's a huge red flag.

304
11:24.400 --> 11:26.200
And it's from Sorority Life.

305
11:26.200 --> 11:28.803
40,000 posts and parody account.

306
11:29.830 --> 11:32.800
That's his biggest claim to fame on the Internet.

307
11:32.800 --> 11:33.922
<v ->Hey, man.</v>

308
11:33.922 --> 11:35.420
<v ->Anyone with that in the profile...</v>

309
11:35.420 --> 11:37.297 line:15%
Someone has that profile blocked by,

310
11:37.297 --> 11:40.370 line:15%
you can also guarantee in their last 10 tweets

311
11:40.370 --> 11:44.750 line:15%
they have a retweet of Meninist, or Because I'm a Dude,

312
11:44.750 --> 11:47.213 line:15%
or one of those fucking terrible accounts.

313
11:49.300 --> 11:51.250 line:15%
<v ->We hear you brought some on Drive Time.</v>

314
11:52.910 --> 11:54.260
<v ->I don't know what to say.</v>

315
11:55.182 --> 11:59.140
It was just weird DMs, I didn't know it was McAfee's intern,

316
11:59.140 --> 12:01.870
I was receiving them for a week now,

317
12:01.870 --> 12:06.300
and then I saw his handle pop up on my timeline,

318
12:06.300 --> 12:08.460
I was like, "This looks familiar."

319
12:08.460 --> 12:11.327
Then I went back to my DMs and I was like, "Oh shit,

320
12:11.327 --> 12:13.440
"this guy has been DMing me," and there was more.

321
12:13.440 --> 12:14.960
There was more than just those, but--

322
12:14.960 --> 12:15.910
<v ->Pull 'em up, bro.</v>

323
12:17.660 --> 12:20.267
<v ->There's a difference between people being shoot or shoot</v>

324
12:20.267 --> 12:23.280
and then it being like, okay, you're a weirdo,

325
12:23.280 --> 12:24.230
you crossed a line.

326
12:25.490 --> 12:27.046
<v Cameraman>Cervix talk's a little much.</v>

327
12:27.046 --> 12:30.050
<v ->I don't mind funny DMs, but that's not funny.</v>

328
12:30.050 --> 12:31.570
<v ->I'd like one question out of the way.</v>

329
12:31.570 --> 12:32.403
<v ->Sure.</v>

330
12:32.403 --> 12:34.430 line:15%
<v ->And this might sound super dumb.</v>

331
12:34.430 --> 12:35.463 line:15%
What's a cervix?

332
12:36.650 --> 12:39.380 line:15%
I know where in the region, I know it's some type

333
12:39.380 --> 12:40.450
of sexual thing.

334
12:40.450 --> 12:42.397
<v ->Yeah, see, that's what I actually--</v>

335
12:42.397 --> 12:44.850
<v ->But a cervix sounds more reproductive than it's--</v>

336
12:44.850 --> 12:47.787
<v ->It's deep, it's up there, that's all I know.</v>

337
12:47.787 --> 12:50.330
<v ->He's saying if you're the cervix killer,</v>

338
12:50.330 --> 12:52.270
you can reach the cervix.

339
12:52.270 --> 12:54.693
So he's bragging about his ability to get deep.

340
12:55.596 --> 12:56.429
<v ->You know what, I'm gonna look up what a cervix is</v>

341
12:56.429 --> 12:57.706
while you guys--

342
12:57.706 --> 12:59.940
<v ->Yeah, get me the anatomical chart here.</v>

343
12:59.940 --> 13:00.773
( laugh)
<v ->It's deep.</v>

344
13:00.773 --> 13:01.606
It's deep.

345
13:03.006 --> 13:04.470
<v ->So, he tweets, and I guess he's been doing this</v>

346
13:04.470 --> 13:06.750
for a while, but last night's tweets,

347
13:06.750 --> 13:10.580
DMs, sorry, were completely outta control.

348
13:10.580 --> 13:13.220
Dave, you wanna do a little sensual reading here?

349
13:13.220 --> 13:14.620
A little dramatic reading of the Cervix Killer's game?

350
13:14.620 --> 13:16.790
<v Dave?>Yeah, and let's start with</v>

351
13:16.790 --> 13:19.690
he wore a Cervix Killer T-shirt.

352
13:19.690 --> 13:21.220
Put that on Barstool Radio.

353
13:21.220 --> 13:22.680
<v  And >To his audition.</v>

354
13:22.680 --> 13:25.541
<v ->And all these pictures, all these screenshots</v>

355
13:25.541 --> 13:26.374
would be on Twitter at @BarstoolRadio.

356
13:26.374 --> 13:29.210
<v ->I'm not gonna blame McAfee, like, oh,</v>

357
13:29.210 --> 13:31.980
this guy's wearing a Cervix Killer shirt, he's nuts,

358
13:31.980 --> 13:35.010
because it's so overt that it's almost a joke.

359
13:35.010 --> 13:37.880
<v ->Well, I just did a little bit of the old Google machine,</v>

360
13:37.880 --> 13:40.950
and the cervix is past the vagina,

361
13:40.950 --> 13:42.990
so, what you have, the vagina--

362
13:42.990 --> 13:44.023
<v ->Right, deep.</v>

363
13:44.923 --> 13:45.910
( laugh)

364
13:45.910 --> 13:47.940
<v ->Past the vagina, there's a cervix,</v>

365
13:47.940 --> 13:50.300
which is actually a tube, and then that takes you

366
13:50.300 --> 13:51.800
to where the reproductive stuff ...

367
13:51.800 --> 13:55.180
<v ->By the way: I'm looking at this kid,</v>

368
13:55.180 --> 13:57.120
there's no chance he is a cervix killer.

369
13:57.120 --> 13:59.050
<v ->None.</v>
<v ->None. Zero.</v>

370
13:59.050 --> 13:59.883
Anyway.

371
14:08.140 --> 14:09.763
<v ->It's harder than I thought. (coughs)</v>

372
14:09.763 --> 14:10.713
<v ->It's really hard.</v>

373
14:23.280 --> 14:24.113
<v ->Yeah.</v>

374
14:24.113 --> 14:27.130
(balloon pops)

375
14:27.130 --> 14:28.430
<v Big Cat>You got vaped.</v>

376
14:33.686 --> 14:36.603
(cameraman laughs)

377
14:38.170 --> 14:39.910
<v ->Close that goddamn door.</v>

378
14:39.910 --> 14:42.200
<v ->Sometimes you're sitting there, everything's quiet,</v>

379
14:42.200 --> 14:44.560
and you look over, you see this giant dude giggling

380
14:44.560 --> 14:46.640
with a pornstar, you're like, it must be great

381
14:46.640 --> 14:47.590
to be Glenny Balls.

382
14:48.856 --> 14:50.589
<v ->We likes to party.</v>

383
14:50.589 --> 14:53.760
(cameraman laughs)

384
14:53.760 --> 14:55.150 line:15%
<v ->This is the homepage of the place</v>

385
14:55.150 --> 14:56.963 line:15%
Glenny wants me to dance at.

386
14:56.963 --> 14:59.580 line:15%
<v ->Look at those bouncers.</v>

387
14:59.580 --> 15:00.807
Right there, ...

388
15:03.050 --> 15:04.300 line:15%
That table right there ...

389
15:04.300 --> 15:05.370 line:15%
<v ->Okay, but can we see--</v>

390
15:05.370 --> 15:06.207 line:15%
<v ->Asa. ...</v>

391
15:09.260 --> 15:10.870
<v ->They have bouncers in tuxes.</v>

392
15:10.870 --> 15:12.090
<v ->Yeah, it's a classy place.</v>

393
15:12.090 --> 15:13.110
They think they're fucking--

394
15:13.110 --> 15:16.293
<v ->It's not classy, they spell Paris P-A-R-E-E.</v>

395
15:17.840 --> 15:18.743
<v ->Whatever.</v>

396
15:18.743 --> 15:20.533
, I've had many, many good times.

397
15:20.533 --> 15:22.620
<v ->So far, Club Downtown looks the most fun.</v>

398
15:22.620 --> 15:23.610
<v ->It's so--</v>

399
15:23.610 --> 15:25.162
<v ->And the most dangerous.</v>

400
15:25.162 --> 15:26.510
I mean, $10 dances?

401
15:26.510 --> 15:27.950
That's really cheap fun.

402
15:27.950 --> 15:30.840
<v ->Me, my friend Johnny, who you met, and my friend Billy,</v>

403
15:30.840 --> 15:33.513
we were at Club Downtown last time I went to Montreal.

404
15:33.513 --> 15:36.250
We got a table, it was 80 bucks.

405
15:36.250 --> 15:38.967
We were like fucking Bernie Madoff in his prime.

406
15:38.967 --> 15:40.153
Look at this guy, he's having the time of his life.

407
15:41.540 --> 15:42.373
Jesus, ...

408
15:45.330 --> 15:47.160
<v ->I mean, I'm excited, whatever.</v>

409
15:47.160 --> 15:48.110
<v ->Hey, how are you.</v>

410
15:49.137 --> 15:49.970
<v Man On Phone>Hi.</v>

411
15:49.970 --> 15:50.803
<v ->Yes, okay.</v>

412
15:50.803 --> 15:52.347
Do you know who Asa Akira is?

413
15:53.979 --> 15:54.876
<v Man On Phone>What?</v>

414
15:54.876 --> 15:56.932
<v ->Do you know who Asa Akira is?</v>

415
15:56.932 --> 15:57.770
<v ->This is humiliating.</v>
<v ->No.</v>

416
15:57.770 --> 16:00.820
<v ->Alright, she's a pornstar, she's very famous.</v>

417
16:00.820 --> 16:02.790
She does feature dances at strip clubs

418
16:02.790 --> 16:05.080
throughout the United States, and she's interested

419
16:05.080 --> 16:07.740
in doing one at Club Downtown in Montreal,

420
16:07.740 --> 16:10.190
and I was wondering if you guys were interested.

421
16:10.190 --> 16:12.770
Yeah, she's super famous, like,

422
16:12.770 --> 16:14.460
top-five pornstar of all time,

423
16:14.460 --> 16:16.304
best Asian pornstar of all time.

424
16:16.304 --> 16:17.706
<v ->Okay.</v>

425
16:17.706 --> 16:19.480
Thank you, bye.

426
16:19.480 --> 16:20.460
<v ->My ego can't take,</v>

427
16:20.460 --> 16:23.020
I can't handle this anymore.
<v ->Fucking French cunt.</v>

428
16:23.020 --> 16:24.580
<v ->He's like, "Who?"</v>

429
16:24.580 --> 16:26.186
<v ->You're not famous in Canada.</v>

430
16:26.186 --> 16:27.440
<v ->I'm not.</v>

431
16:27.440 --> 16:30.020
Also, if you have to tell people that I'm famous,

432
16:30.020 --> 16:31.430
I'm not famous.

433
16:31.430 --> 16:32.713
<v ->This is Tex ...</v>

434
16:34.260 --> 16:35.373 line:15%
<v Cameraman>Did he get the balloon?</v>

435
16:37.110 --> 16:39.096 line:15%
<v ->What are you looking at? Fuck you!</v>

436
16:39.096 --> 16:41.970
(cameraman laughs)

437
16:41.970 --> 16:44.730
<v ->Tex has been weird-haircut Seth reincarnated,</v>

438
16:44.730 --> 16:47.155
says he can do shit and can't do anything.

439
16:47.155 --> 16:48.553
<v ->If you throw 80 miles an hour from a mound,</v>

440
16:50.250 --> 16:52.780
80 miles an hour, on the go, I'll give you warmup

441
16:52.780 --> 16:56.120
and everything, you can be out of the contract.

442
16:56.120 --> 16:58.640
If you lose, if you don't throw 80 miles an hour,

443
16:58.640 --> 17:00.120
you have to kill yourself.

444
17:00.120 --> 17:00.953
(staff laughs)

445
17:00.953 --> 17:01.786
That's the rules.

446
17:01.786 --> 17:03.750
I'm not doing any of these Tex content things

447
17:03.750 --> 17:05.720
unless your life is actually on the line.

448
17:05.720 --> 17:08.510
<v ->Every Tex debate or whatever the fuck he wants to call it</v>

449
17:08.510 --> 17:11.840
has to be if you lose, you can't ever say shit ever again.

450
17:11.840 --> 17:13.777
<v ->Yeah, or kill yourself.</v>
<v ->That's what Hank said.</v>

451
17:13.777 --> 17:15.650
<v ->But the easiest way to make sure that happens</v>

452
17:15.650 --> 17:16.915
is he kills himself.

453
17:16.915 --> 17:18.250
(cameraman laughs)

454
17:18.250 --> 17:20.350
'Cause I don't trust him to not talk shit.

455
17:21.240 --> 17:23.070
Actually, you don't have to kill yourself,

456
17:23.070 --> 17:24.724
we give you a lobotomy.

457
17:24.724 --> 17:26.250
(staff laughs)

458
17:26.250 --> 17:29.220
Take out 10% of your brain so you can't speak anymore.

459
17:29.220 --> 17:32.293
By the way, though, I'm done vaping in your face, okay?

460
17:33.134 --> 17:33.967
<v ->Alright.</v>

461
17:33.967 --> 17:34.800
I mean--

462
17:34.800 --> 17:35.920
<v ->I've been doing it all week, I'm not gonna vape</v>

463
17:35.920 --> 17:36.983
in your face anymore.

464
17:38.660 --> 17:40.475
What's up, Erika?

465
17:40.475 --> 17:43.480
(Big Cat laughs) Ho ho ho!

466
17:43.480 --> 17:45.113
Vape week continues.

467
17:46.633 --> 17:49.550
(cameraman laughs)

468
17:52.360 --> 17:53.647
<v ->How could you?</v>

469
17:53.647 --> 17:55.730
( laugh)

470
17:56.804 --> 17:58.664
<v ->Are we gonna put 'er there?</v>
<v ->Fuck you.</v>

471
17:58.664 --> 18:01.414
(Big Cat laughs)

472
18:02.815 --> 18:05.720
<v ->I don't remember a contract extension.</v>

473
18:05.720 --> 18:08.070
<v ->I mean, I literally wrote that your video ...</v>

474
18:10.360 --> 18:11.527
<v ->I don't mind</v>

475
18:15.320 --> 18:17.190
you saying that I was loud, I didn't mind that at all.

476
18:17.190 --> 18:19.212
That didn't bother me.

477
18:19.212 --> 18:21.610
It's you saying that I'm taking vacation days

478
18:21.610 --> 18:23.360
when I've been here for two months,

479
18:24.310 --> 18:26.901
and then the higher-ups see it and then they're like--

480
18:26.901 --> 18:30.140
<v ->Dude, they don't give a fuck about why you're retiring.</v>

481
18:30.140 --> 18:31.190
<v ->Whatever.</v>

482
18:31.190 --> 18:32.820
<v ->Well, I did not mean to make you feel bad at all.</v>

483
18:32.820 --> 18:36.830
<v ->I don't feel bad, I just don't wanna talk to you anymore.</v>

484
18:37.770 --> 18:39.097
<v ->I didn't mean like that.</v>

485
18:43.605 --> 18:44.438
.

486
18:46.623 --> 18:48.811
Just trying to keep the lights on.

487
18:48.811 --> 18:51.206
( speaks away from mic)

488
18:51.206 --> 18:52.820
(group laughs)

489
18:52.820 --> 18:56.320
<v ->Yo, this is Barstool, bro, we in here!</v>

490
18:56.320 --> 18:59.290
Grinding for content, everyday!

491
18:59.290 --> 19:01.110
Social media, yeah!

492
19:01.110 --> 19:01.943
Barstool!

493
19:04.363 --> 19:07.590
That's my impression of every frat persson ever.

494
19:07.590 --> 19:09.980
Yo, is Big Cat the fucking man?

495
19:09.980 --> 19:12.518
<v ->Can you FaceTime Big Cat? (chuckles)</v>

496
19:12.518 --> 19:14.387
<v ->Why doesn't anyone try and fuck Erika?</v>

497
19:14.387 --> 19:15.220
( and cameraman laugh)
What are you guys doing

498
19:15.220 --> 19:16.230
in there all day?

499
19:16.230 --> 19:18.580
Is it true PFT got his eyeballs burned out

500
19:18.580 --> 19:19.733
when he was a child?

501
19:28.700 --> 19:30.200
<v ->That's my mustache scissors.</v>

502
19:46.460 --> 19:48.040
Here are those scissors.

503
19:48.040 --> 19:48.933
Thanks, Francis.

504
19:49.840 --> 19:50.673
<v ->No problem.</v>

505
19:52.990 --> 19:55.020
<v ->I don't know exactly what serenedipity means,</v>

506
19:55.020 --> 19:57.830
but when we had actual Canadian hockey player,

507
19:57.830 --> 20:01.420
Damon Siversen, stroll right by the Canada boys,

508
20:01.420 --> 20:03.430
you really can't do anything but just tip your hat

509
20:03.430 --> 20:04.697
to the universe.

510
20:04.697 --> 20:07.130
(puck slams)

511
20:07.130 --> 20:08.593
Yikes.

512
20:08.593 --> 20:10.730
<v ->It's a real Canadian.</v>
<v ->Where you from now?</v>

513
20:10.730 --> 20:11.563
<v ->Sasketchewan.</v>

514
20:11.563 --> 20:13.830
<v ->Oh, hey, I'm from Manitoba!</v>

515
20:13.830 --> 20:15.930
You know Steve-o in Sasketchewan?

516
20:15.930 --> 20:16.763
<v ->Saskatchatoon.</v>

517
20:16.763 --> 20:17.596
<v ->Yeah.</v>

518
20:17.596 --> 20:18.429
He's a cousin of mine.

519
20:18.429 --> 20:21.520
Well, he's a half-cousin.

520
20:21.520 --> 20:25.812
My dad, and his sister, and, whatever, you know.

521
20:25.812 --> 20:27.828
Alright, sorry!

522
20:27.828 --> 20:29.575
(group laughs)

523
20:29.575 --> 20:30.689
<v ->Hey!</v>

524
20:30.689 --> 20:31.522
<v ->How you doing, bud?</v>

525
20:31.522 --> 20:32.355
<v ->How's it?</v>

526
20:32.355 --> 20:33.757
Okay, great, good to see you, now.

527
20:33.757 --> 20:34.731
<v ->Good to see you.</v>

528
20:34.731 --> 20:37.448
<v ->Welcome to the show here, huh? You score any goals today?</v>

529
20:37.448 --> 20:38.777
<v ->Well, I sniped a few, you know.</v>

530
20:38.777 --> 20:40.443
<v ->Oh, you sniped it, yeah. Go tape-to-tape up there, huh?</v>

531
20:40.443 --> 20:41.710
<v ->Tape-to-tape, top chair.</v>

532
20:44.306 --> 20:46.580
<v ->Is it looking soupy up there? How's the floor?</v>

533
20:46.580 --> 20:47.413
<v ->A little soupy, yeah.</v>

534
20:47.413 --> 20:49.020
<v ->She is soupy, oh, fair play.</v>

535
20:49.020 --> 20:50.142
Huh?

536
20:50.142 --> 20:50.975
( speaks away from mic)

537
20:50.975 --> 20:51.808
Oh, I gotta put some stickers on my nipples,

538
20:51.808 --> 20:52.641
I'll see you around.

539
20:52.641 --> 20:54.050
<v ->We're just showing Kelly</v>

540
20:54.050 --> 20:55.630
what a real man's body looks like.

541
20:55.630 --> 20:57.840
<v ->What part of the nipple is the cervix?</v>

542
20:57.840 --> 20:59.370
<v ->Hey, is it sexual harassment</v>

543
20:59.370 --> 21:01.043
if she gets turned on by my body?

544
21:03.450 --> 21:05.060
<v ->Stop staring at him, honestly.</v>

545
21:05.060 --> 21:06.567
He's a fucking--

546
21:06.567 --> 21:07.629
<v Big Cat>I'm not a piece of meat, Kelly.</v>

547
21:07.629 --> 21:09.377
<v ->He's a human, alright?</v>

548
21:09.377 --> 21:10.210
<v ->It's a little distracting.</v>

549
21:10.210 --> 21:11.177
<v ->Jesus.</v>

550
21:11.177 --> 21:12.240
<v ->Right here it's KPG!</v>

551
21:12.240 --> 21:15.117
<v ->I got four nipples here, just more for the rest of us.</v>

552
21:15.117 --> 21:19.404
(Big Cat and talk over each other)

553
21:19.404 --> 21:21.938
(cameraman laughs)

554
21:21.938 --> 21:24.855
(staff chattering)

555
21:26.300 --> 21:28.725
<v Cameraman>on why Dave's so upset</v>

556
21:28.725 --> 21:30.193
that they're in here.

557
21:30.193 --> 21:32.043
<v ->I'm not really mad about it at all.</v>

558
21:33.170 --> 21:34.320
Not even a little bit.

559
21:34.320 --> 21:35.610
<v Cameraman>thinks he's in your head right now</v>

560
21:35.610 --> 21:36.470
and he's not.

561
21:36.470 --> 21:39.170
<v ->No, I'm not even mad at all.</v>

562
21:39.170 --> 21:41.913
He was just overly excited.

563
21:41.913 --> 21:45.028
I think he thinks when he talks to an NHL guy on Twitter,

564
21:45.028 --> 21:47.080
he's Joe Cool guy.

565
21:47.080 --> 21:48.868
I think that's what he thinks.

566
21:48.868 --> 21:49.766
<v Cameraman>It's a big moment today.</v>

567
21:49.766 --> 21:50.810
<v ->He's like, oh, I'm friends with these guys;</v>

568
21:50.810 --> 21:52.660
it's like, uh, you're definitely not.

569
21:58.750 --> 22:00.110
<v ->Wait, Asa, say it again?</v>

570
22:00.110 --> 22:01.441
<v ->No.</v>

571
22:01.441 --> 22:02.274
<v ->Asa, say it again.</v>

572
22:03.110 --> 22:04.310
<v Asa>What, scat porn?</v>

573
22:05.859 --> 22:06.920
<v ->No, I'm good.</v>

574
22:06.920 --> 22:09.296
<v ->Alright.</v>
<v ->Ew! (laughs)</v>

575
22:09.296 --> 22:11.187
<v Asa>People like shitting into each other's mouths,</v>

576
22:11.187 --> 22:13.354
( groans)

577
22:14.240 --> 22:15.724
and swallowing it and--

578
22:15.724 --> 22:18.225
( retching)

579
22:18.225 --> 22:20.392
( laughs)

580
22:21.608 --> 22:23.858
<v Cameraman>Is that real?</v>

581
22:27.350 --> 22:28.313
Say it again, say it again.

582
22:29.544 --> 22:31.362
<v ->Stop! Stop.</v>

583
22:31.362 --> 22:33.776
(laughs)

584
22:33.776 --> 22:36.526
(retches loudly)

585
22:53.578 --> 22:54.828
<v ->I actually...</v>

586
22:59.520 --> 23:00.565
(Big Cat laughs)

587
23:00.565 --> 23:02.740
<v ->How are you that dumb?</v>

588
23:02.740 --> 23:03.970
<v ->Actually, can I have it, though?</v>

589
23:03.970 --> 23:04.803
'Cause I'm out.

590
23:06.775 --> 23:09.525
(Big Cat laughs)

591
23:13.500 --> 23:16.101
<v Smitty>Copycats, like if I fuck with them,</v>

592
23:16.101 --> 23:17.070
I'm gonna get noticed too.

593
23:17.070 --> 23:20.210
<v ->Smitty, great guy, love him, big videogame fan,</v>

594
23:20.210 --> 23:23.080
but sometimes he gets himself into holes

595
23:23.080 --> 23:25.240
that he really probably shouldn't have dug himself into,

596
23:25.240 --> 23:28.880
and, (sighs) this was a tough one.

597
23:28.880 --> 23:31.280
<v ->I think it's a pickup, I really do, I think it's a pickup.</v>

598
23:31.280 --> 23:33.380
I honestly think what I was saying to you.

599
23:34.650 --> 23:37.870
You never know with videogames who gets a turnover.

600
23:37.870 --> 23:40.493
Turnover battle wins; wow, great analysis by me.

601
23:42.489 --> 23:44.403
<v ->Honestly, nothing'll surprise me.</v>

602
23:45.513 --> 23:46.346
In the skew of what we've done,

603
23:46.346 --> 23:49.040
tase match compared to him going to West Virginia

604
23:49.040 --> 23:52.060
versus rednecks and getting his face mashed in.

605
23:52.060 --> 23:55.340
<v ->Ebony said when she got on the neck, she pissed herself.</v>

606
23:55.340 --> 23:57.460
<v ->This might be it, I might be retired after this one.</v>

607
23:57.460 --> 23:59.170
<v ->It hit him right in the neck,</v>

608
23:59.170 --> 24:02.240
it's gonna hurt like hell.

609
24:02.240 --> 24:04.967
Hopefully, it doesn't severely hurt him.

610
24:04.967 --> 24:06.293
You can, you can die.

611
24:09.520 --> 24:12.390
<v ->Tase him, and then I'ma fucking dump all the quarters</v>

612
24:12.390 --> 24:14.520
on his body, on the ground.

613
24:14.520 --> 24:16.028
I think it's a (mimics buzzing)

614
24:16.028 --> 24:17.190
and then you just hit the ground

615
24:17.190 --> 24:21.400
and your body just loses all motor skills.

616
24:21.400 --> 24:23.804
Ebony said she pissed her pants when she did it.

617
24:23.804 --> 24:27.010
(cameraman laughs)

618
24:27.010 --> 24:28.700
<v Cameraman>You shouldn't be hearing this right now, man,</v>

619
24:28.700 --> 24:29.700
just play your game.

620
24:31.460 --> 24:33.627
But I would not wanna get tased.

621
24:34.850 --> 24:37.000
<v Hank>No, but I wouldn't...</v>

622
24:37.000 --> 24:38.370
<v ->It's tough to win at Temple.</v>

623
24:38.370 --> 24:39.203
<v ->Eye to eye.</v>

624
24:39.203 --> 24:40.666
<v ->It's very tough to win at Temple,</v>

625
24:40.666 --> 24:41.900
especially at height.

626
24:41.900 --> 24:44.400
<v ->They play at the lake, so, it's different.</v>

627
24:44.400 --> 24:45.640
I'm going scissors.

628
24:45.640 --> 24:47.434
Rock, paper, scissors.

629
24:47.434 --> 24:48.270
( groans)

630
24:48.270 --> 24:50.003
<v ->Oh, was that a try at bluffing?</v>

631
24:51.130 --> 24:53.180
That was a cute attempt--

632
24:53.180 --> 24:54.770
<v ->I'm a man of my word, Tex.</v>

633
24:54.770 --> 24:56.324 line:15%
<v ->Hey, guys.</v>
<v ->Where's Hank?</v>

634
24:56.324 --> 24:57.500 line:15%
<v ->Hey, boss.</v>

635
24:57.500 --> 24:58.970 line:15%
Would you like a beer?

636
24:58.970 --> 25:00.142 line:15%
Maybe two?

637
25:00.142 --> 25:00.975
<v ->Nah, I'm good.</v>

638
25:03.310 --> 25:04.860
<v ->I like to see it in his eyes.</v>

639
25:06.810 --> 25:09.470
Butthole is just gonna get wider and wider if we didn't...

640
25:09.470 --> 25:11.423
<v Cameraman>Ooh, he's going to recline?</v>

641
25:12.829 --> 25:13.784
Relaxed.

642
25:13.784 --> 25:15.694
Is that 'cause you're relaxed, Tex?

643
25:15.694 --> 25:17.450
<v ->'Cause I want to.</v>

644
25:17.450 --> 25:19.124
<v ->off like that.</v>

645
25:19.124 --> 25:21.100
<v ->Philly trash.</v>

646
25:21.100 --> 25:22.887
<v ->Is that anything different?</v>

647
25:22.887 --> 25:24.363
<v ->I'm just reading the comments.</v>

648
25:25.930 --> 25:27.660
<v ->No, I thought I had the fucking ball</v>

649
25:27.660 --> 25:30.010
and I would start running away.

650
25:30.010 --> 25:31.750
<v ->Would you rather have Hank's reading abilities</v>

651
25:31.750 --> 25:33.150
or have Big Cat sit on your face

652
25:33.150 --> 25:35.730
after 10 minutes on a StairMaster?

653
25:35.730 --> 25:36.889
<v ->Oh.</v>

654
25:36.889 --> 25:37.806
<v All>Oh!</v>

655
25:38.640 --> 25:39.473
(group laughs)

656
25:39.473 --> 25:40.993
<v ->You're in trouble, Tex.</v>

657
25:42.005 --> 25:43.623
<v ->Shut...</v>

658
25:43.623 --> 25:45.690
There's a lot of game left, bro, I don't know.

659
25:45.690 --> 25:47.655
You've never played sports.

660
25:47.655 --> 25:49.629
( laughs)

661
25:49.629 --> 25:50.463
<v ->Logistically speaking.</v>
<v ->Yeah, logistically.</v>

662
25:51.738 --> 25:53.450
(staff talking over each other)

663
25:53.450 --> 25:55.680
<v ->Could this be the worst loss in Barstool history?</v>

664
25:55.680 --> 25:56.513
<v ->Pretty bad.</v>

665
25:56.513 --> 25:57.850
Pretty bad.

666
25:57.850 --> 25:58.850
<v ->The double whammy.</v>

667
26:01.360 --> 26:02.997
<v ->This really hurt too.</v>

668
26:04.917 --> 26:06.501
<v ->No, 'cause if anything, this is gonna be his only ...</v>

669
26:06.501 --> 26:09.373
(group yelling)

670
26:09.373 --> 26:14.373
(group cheering)
(electricity crackling)

671
26:15.074 --> 26:20.074
(group laughing and talking over each other)

672
26:25.160 --> 26:29.139
<v ->Clearly, exactly what you said was gonna happen.</v>

673
26:29.139 --> 26:30.889
<v ->Dude, he hauled it.</v>

674
26:31.854 --> 26:35.854
(group talking over each other)

675
26:39.412 --> 26:40.329
<v ->Let's go!</v>

676
26:42.009 --> 26:44.765
(staff claps)

677
26:44.765 --> 26:46.543
<v ->Smitty about to get the leg in. Excellent.</v>

678
26:47.414 --> 26:49.997
(group laughs)

679
26:54.845 --> 26:55.928
<v Group>Oh!</v>

680
26:57.182 --> 26:59.179
<v ->Suck my dick, bitches!</v>

681
26:59.179 --> 27:00.012
You like it!

682
27:00.012 --> 27:01.195
You like that!

683
27:01.195 --> 27:03.778
(staff laughs)

684
27:04.709 --> 27:05.606
(onlookers groan)

685
27:05.606 --> 27:06.691
<v Group>Oh!</v>

686
27:06.691 --> 27:09.653
(electricity crackles)

687
27:09.653 --> 27:12.820
(controller clatters)

688
27:13.984 --> 27:17.651
(staff chatters and laughs)

689
27:27.530 --> 27:30.530
<v ->You're really trying to break the controller.</v>

690
27:30.530 --> 27:32.080
<v Smitty>Gimme the fucking Taser.</v>

691
27:32.080 --> 27:33.759
<v ->Yep, yep, that's all.</v>

692
27:33.759 --> 27:34.695
<v ->Yeah, I was gonna do.</v>

693
27:34.695 --> 27:36.889
I was gonna kneel.

694
27:36.889 --> 27:38.602
<v ->And that's it.</v>
<v ->Yo, off the hook?</v>

695
27:38.602 --> 27:39.753
<v ->Nah, fuck you.</v>

696
27:39.753 --> 27:41.530
(staff chuckles)

697
27:41.530 --> 27:42.480
He doesn't deserve.

698
27:45.047 --> 27:47.780
<v ->It's Smitty's thing, he's the worst guy</v>

699
27:47.780 --> 27:49.390
in the whole office at these games, but--

700
27:49.390 --> 27:51.560
<v ->Whose idea was it to do the Taser, is that Smitty's idea?</v>

701
27:51.560 --> 27:53.270
<v ->Yeah, I think so.</v>
<v ->Yeah. (laughs)</v>

702
27:53.270 --> 27:56.423
<v ->Nothing worse than getting tased on your own idea.</v>

703
28:00.200 --> 28:01.033
<v ->Sorry, Mom.</v>

704
28:03.102 --> 28:07.102
(staff chattering and laughing)

705
28:08.230 --> 28:09.070
Sorry, Mom.

706
28:13.598 --> 28:15.776
<v Group>Neck! Neck! Neck!</v>

707
28:15.776 --> 28:18.359
(group cheers)

708
28:19.390 --> 28:21.290
<v ->The back or the neck?</v>

709
28:21.290 --> 28:22.760
Sit on a chair, sit on a chair.

710
28:22.760 --> 28:26.760
(staff talking over each other)

711
28:30.807 --> 28:32.190
<v ->How 'bout y'all count?</v>

712
28:32.190 --> 28:33.450
<v ->Do I get any last words?</v>

713
28:33.450 --> 28:34.784
<v Cameraman>Yeah.</v>

714
28:34.784 --> 28:36.406
<v ->Last words from Smitty.</v>
<v ->Last words.</v>

715
28:36.406 --> 28:37.861
<v ->I'm 'bout to just tase you, 'cause--</v>

716
28:37.861 --> 28:38.930
<v ->No, just--</v>
<v ->All at once.</v>

717
28:38.930 --> 28:40.244
<v ->He's an honorable guy--
(electricity crackles)</v>

718
28:40.244 --> 28:43.003
(onlookers yell)

719
28:43.003 --> 28:46.020
(group giggles)

720
28:46.020 --> 28:47.884
<v Ebony>Wake up. (laughs)</v>

721
28:47.884 --> 28:49.483
<v ->I think he's dead.</v>

722
28:49.483 --> 28:50.579
<v Ebony>I didn't get to do it for that long,</v>

723
28:50.579 --> 28:51.570
I think we should--

724
28:51.570 --> 28:52.792
<v ->Come on, dude.</v>

725
28:52.792 --> 28:54.311
(group talking over each other)

726
28:54.311 --> 28:55.644
<v Cameraman>We need a round two,</v>

727
28:55.644 --> 28:57.729
we didn't even get it on camera.

728
28:57.729 --> 29:02.210
<v Group>Six, five, four, three, two,</v>

729
29:03.239 --> 29:05.940
one--
(electricity crackles)

730
29:05.940 --> 29:07.780
<v ->Glad that wasn't me.</v>

731
29:07.780 --> 29:09.321
Stool Scenes Eight.

732
29:09.321 --> 29:10.977
(mimics buzzing) That's eight, we're out.

733
29:10.977 --> 29:13.000
(light, upbeat music)

734
29:13.000 --> 29:13.833
<v ->See this?</v>

735
29:15.518 --> 29:17.590
If I gotta come back up here one more time--

736
29:17.590 --> 29:20.840 line:15%
<v ->I'm telling you, nothing happened, bro.</v>

737
29:23.170 --> 29:25.280 line:15%
<v ->I'm bringing the hat back, Dave, but if I come up here</v>

738
29:25.280 --> 29:27.690
one more time, I'm coming up here samurai,

739
29:27.690 --> 29:30.280
just swinging a fucking samurai sword.

740
29:30.280 --> 29:31.113
(staff laughs)

741
29:31.113 --> 29:31.946
You're fucking...

742
29:33.900 --> 29:35.110
Dave, Dave.

743
29:35.110 --> 29:38.320
Dave, I'll take you out to save everyone here,

744
29:38.320 --> 29:40.190
because I know she wants you.

745
29:40.190 --> 29:41.980
I'll take you out to save everyone here,

746
29:41.980 --> 29:44.380
to save everyone's life in this fucking company.