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(patrons talking)
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Hey, how are ya?
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So, the last time you heard from me,
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I had just suffered a devastating loss
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at the hands of Stephon Marbury
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and the Beijing Ducks.
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("The Imperial March" by John Williams)
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I'll take the super-roasted Duck,
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the fried spicy Duck heart,
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and the Keep-youthfulness Minced Duck
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Okay, okay.
Thank you.
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Now if that wasn't bad enough,
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I woke up the next morning to find out that the Sharks
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had been fined by the CBA
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for being mean to Beijing Duck fans.
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(crowd cheering)
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Give me a fucking break,
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it's called the Shark Tank for a reason,
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it's a hostile environment.
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So, don't go crying to the CBA just because you show up
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and realize it's not a fucking petting zoo.
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Fuck the Ducks!
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Granted, Chinese fans do use the C word,
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a little excessively.
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But, you know last time I checked, that's not a crime.
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Well, anyways, when I had caught wind of this news
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I did what anyone would do in my position
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and bought the first train ticket up to Beijing.
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If the Ducks don't like swimmin' in the Shark Tank
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I think it's about time the Shark
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went for a little swim in the Duck pond.
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Oh wow, fine em, I don't feel comfortable.
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Fine 'em.
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Fine the Ducks!
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♪ DuckTales, woohoo ♪
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♪ Everyday they're out there making DuckTales, woohoo ♪
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♪ Tales of daring do bad and good luck tales ♪
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Alright so, here's the deal,
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I am under cover
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behind enemy lines right now.
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I'm in the Duck pond.
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Let's go Sharks.
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(crowd cheering)
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Boo, boo Marbury!
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I don't see an MVP in sight.
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Six seven years ago, he was eatin' Vaseline on YouTube
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now he's got a statue of him out in Beijing.
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Hey, you cannot hate on those accomplishments.
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But, you know, as long as he's a Duck it's fuck the Ducks,
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and it's fuck you I'm sorry.
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(crowd chanting)
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Fuck the Ducks!
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Right off the bat I was just cuckin' Ducks left and right.
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Are you a Beijing Duck's fan?
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Yeah, yeah, yeah I am.
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Yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
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I'm actually not.
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(laughing)
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I hate the Ducks.
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(comments in foreign language)
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Just like the Beijing Ducks are not good
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at basketball right?
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Yeah.
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Yeah that's what I thought.
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(crowd chanting)
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Shanghai!
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(crowd chanting)
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Shanghai!
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Let's go Sharks!
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For the Beijing Duck fans?
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Yes, yes.
Oh, man.
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Only superfan sit here.
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I feel bad for Beijing Duck fans.
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Sorry, sorry.
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So I can't be here?
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Because I'm a Shanghai Sharks fan?
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It's not here.
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I didn't wanna hang out with these losers anyways.
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Now if I didn't already have enough reasons to hate--
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(glass falling)
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Now if I didn't already have enough reasons
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to hate the Ducks I was given four more reasons
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when I showed up at the concession stand.
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(speaking in foreign langauge)
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No beer.
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You guys don't allow beer inside the stadium?
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Do you guys have Fanta?
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Cola is okay, Cola.
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Fanta.
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Cola, orange juice.
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Oh my God.
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No I don't want orange juice I want the fizz wow.
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The Duck tank really is for the birds.
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Place can fit 17,000 people but they don't have room
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for a few cases of Tsingtao and some Fanta?
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Shoulda brought my nips, shoulda brought my nips in.
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Keep in mind that, Shanghai wasn't
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even playing Beijing that night, I was just
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up there because I wanted to show the Ducks that we
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weren't gonna take the fine sittin' down.
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And because I knew that if they lost the game, they
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wouldn't be makin' the playoffs and whoo,
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I wouldn't miss that for the world.
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(crowd cheering)
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Nice offensive bound for the Sichuan Blue Whales.
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(crowd cheering)
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Nothing.
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So how 'bout them Ducks?
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You think they gonna pull this one out?
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I doubt it.
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Time to hang up the starberries Marbury.
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Time to hang 'em up!
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The Ducks kinda suck I mean it's not a personal jab
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at you I'm just sayin' this is the year of the Shark.
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Technically it's the year of the fire cock
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like if you're lookin' at a Chinese whatever it's called
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like a Chinese calendar.
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But, it's the year of the Shark.
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I know it, everybody in the stadium knows it.
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They're just in denial.
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Everybody here's convinced he's gonna get
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the MVP award this year dude.
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Have you heard of the Mormon Megalodon?
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To be fair, Marbury made a way closer game
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than I would've liked.
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(crowd cheering)
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Shit... shit.
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And just as I expected havin' a Shark in the Duck pond
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ruffled a few feathers.
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Pun intended.
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Let's go Sharks!
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(crowd cheering)
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Oh shit, oh wow, now we comin' in.
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Fine 'em I don't feel comfortable.
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Fine 'em.
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Break out the fines that guy just told me to go fuck myself
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and my mother in Chinese.
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I don't feel comfortable.
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Fine 'em, fine the Ducks.
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But sooner or later every Duck in China ends up roasted
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and put in a pancake and I'm just happy I was there
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to witness it.
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(speaking in foreign language)
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And the Ducks lose.
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(crowd booing)
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It was a beautiful sight to see.
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The Duck mascot's fuckin' crying on the court right now.
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(laughing)
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This is the best thing I've seen in my life.
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It's just not ya year.
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Now the cherry on top of this sundae is that
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a few days later, a little organization known as the CBA
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you know, the organization that fined the Sharks
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for bein' mean to the Ducks,
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made the Shark's owner Yao Ming,
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personal friend of mine,
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their new president.
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The Beijing cucks indeed.
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Ya got cucked buddy!
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You got absolutely cucked!
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Let's go Sharks!
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See ya next season buddy!
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Oh, this Duck heart's delicious.
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♪ DuckTales, woohoo ♪
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♪ Everyday they're out there makin' DuckTales, woohoo ♪
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♪ Tales of daring do, bad and good luck tales, woohoo ♪