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(lively theme music)
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(quirky upbeat music)
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(rock music)
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Okay guys, we are only down 37 right now,
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so this is anyone's game.
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This isn't fair.
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Those guys are probably all excellent basketball players.
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Number 21 has the whitest jumper I've ever seen.
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I know, I know.
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We are currently shooting one for 75 from three point
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but I think we stick with that strategy,
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just judging by how our lineup stacks up against theirs.
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KMarco, we are going need you not to be
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shooting zero for 20.
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Sorry guys, I have the flu and the doctor told me
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I'm not allowed to make any shots, strict orders.
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Can I get, like, a two-minute break real quick?
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I have all of our points, so I just want to update
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my eight best sports and move basketball
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up one spot above making fun of fat people.
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Guys, we need to focus.
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Hey, Coach Grim, don't be a little cheese dick about this.
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Get the sand out of your vagina.
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It's not our fault we are being managed by
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fucking Gollum from Lord of the Rings over here.
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Our game plan is sloppy as Hope Solo.
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Okay, that's it, I've had enough.
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(heroic music)
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(thunder crashes)
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♪ Spider Monkey ♪
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And just like that, the spider monkey
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left its cage, going off about how stupid Adam Smitty is.
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Despite new fire from Coach Spider Monkey,
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the team continued to play in true Barstool fashion.
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Break by break.
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However, Riggs did score 12 points on the trash barrel.
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But the referee refused to let them count.
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With six minutes to go, a change needed to happen fast.
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Smitty, you are so dumb.
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It's unreal how dumb and stup-
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Okay, motherfuckers, time to win this game.
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Nate is officially fired and I'm taking over.
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I would probably do a 360 dunk from the free throw line
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but my head is a little sore from the hair plug surgery.
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Otherwise, I definitely would have done that.
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Our new strategy is to feed Big Kevin the paint.
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No, I mean pass him the ball in the paint
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because he is the size of the paint.
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Let's do this.
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Coach, page views have taken over.
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He even provided the team with new uniforms.
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Hey Dave, quick question.
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Do we get any money for wearing these?
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I mean, you had a tail added to our uniforms
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to fit more sponsors.
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Portnoy became a player coach
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and entered the game.
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After a series of made baskets
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and a few additional supplements,
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the team was within two points.
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They needed a three pointer to win the game.
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(energetic rock music)
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(crowd cheering)
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They did it.
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They won the game.
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Oh, shit, what time is it?
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Our only ride home is the pumpkin coach outside
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but it will transform at the stroke of midnight.
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Oh no, It's exactly midnight.
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(enchanting music)
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And there it is, Frankie Midnight.
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This is CNN Breaking News.
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Breaking news just coming in.
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ESPN has reportedly laid off 100 of its most
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high profile employees.
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Wow, big time cuckolded.
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I know exactly who I want to hire.
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One of the most hilarious ESPN employees
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that should fit perfectly in our system.
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I just need to find his contact information.
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Loud Sean, can you set up the green screen?
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I want to do highlights without rights
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and fire 100 of our employees.
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Okay, you got it.
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I do have some bad news though.
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We did lose one of our employees to ESPN.
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He's taking their now empty
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Statistical Data Analyst role.
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Really?
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Who?
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Tex.
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Ah, piss.
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♪ Spider Monkey ♪
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♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
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♪ Spider Monkey ♪
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(monkey noises)